My births give me a lot of spiritual food to chew on, and this fourth one was no exception.
Fourth home birth. … You would think it would get easier to deal with my “what if” fears. But I think this pregnancy was almost the worst for that. The previous pregnancies, there were one or two very specific fears of what might happen during birth. But this time, it seemed like there was an entire index of fears flipping through my brain, starting with “I might die,” “the baby might die.” And going on from there.
So we returned to Ukraine and were searching for an apartment in Kiev– one reason being so we could be near a nice birth house “just in case” we needed it during birth…. This somehow seemed to fuel all these fears, imagining going to the hospital for some reason, what would happen, etc.
So one night we were laying in bed discussing our fruitless search for an apartment to rent in Kiev, and our talk led us to choosing to live in this village house indefinitely.
And the moment we decided this, God just let me know that the birth would be fine, with no problems. It was just a knowing in my heart from His Spirit.
Of course, those “what if” fears kept popping around my brain. But there was an overriding confidence and peace that God wanted this baby born in this house, and it would be fine.
But still I doubted, I probed God, “WHAT IF it’s NOT fine, and something bad happens?” … “WHAT IF?” … “What then??”
And God said an interesting reply. I forget if I was thinking in Russian or English, but it was just:
“In Me, everything is good.”
And it’s interesting, because He didn’t just pat me on the head and say, “Everything will be fine.” Like we say to comfort each other even when we don’t know how it will all turn out.
No, He said a spiritual truth. In Him, everything is good.
There is no “bad” for me, because I am in God. All things are good unto me.
Martin Luther writes about this truth from Romans 8:28, and he elaborates, how we are kings and queens in Christ because all things serve us for our good.
So, for my birth, the Mighty Comforter taught me a Great Truth. In God, everything is “good.”
Sadly, this lesson is not perfected in me yet, as I can’t apply it to all my life. I’m trying. 😀 But I still become irritated with the multitude of small provocations of home life … instead of walking in the peaceful, easy yoke accepting that even all these little irritations are an illusion, and the truth is that they are “good” and I can receive them as such and with gratitude.
Which brings me to the point that trials are my spiritual food. It’s taken me years to understand this. I used to run screaming from my trials (for all the good that did). … But now, I see that these hard things are also the green pasture that feeds me and makes me strong and alive.
So anyway … those are some lessons that “gave birth” during my birth, for me now to mull over and let grow in my life.
So good for all of us Anne. Thanks for sharing.