John 14 and Matthew 18 are intersecting in my life. …
Today was a long day of home schooling. Doing two days in one.
It’s midnight now, and I have spent the last 6 hours wondering why I’m alive, the purpose of life, what will I do in my elderly years, and having an identity crisis.
I didn’t say anything to Vitaliy.
But around 9:30pm he offered to take me out for a little cafe date, so we went, and in the car, the first thing he said is that I’m a hero, and I’m doing a great thing with this home school, and he ought to buy me flowers.
I didn’t start crying, though my eyes thought about it for a moment, but I did say thank you, and what would I ever do if I didn’t have such a suppotive husband. …
I realized today that God is returning me to elements of being a child. Children don’t have many choices about what they’re going to do each day, if you think about it.
And nor do I have many choices, if I’m going to fulfill my responsibilities.
Children are disciplined (in the sense of ‘exercised’) daily to do and become; and they don’t have a lot of control over this process.
I am being exercised, disciplined, daily, to do and become, and I don’t have a lot of control over the way this is happening.
So, I’m feeling a bit like a child, in this sense, like God’s child. It actually is uplifting to see all this as God’s doing in my life, to teach me faithfulness in small things, to teach me good habits. To teach me good habits of teaching good habits.
To accept all the temptations that this time together brings as wonderful, appointed, planned-for-me opportunities to follow Jesus’ steps as He lived each day.
I am being an adult child. An adult submitting myself to the child-like elments of not being able to control, of having to submit myself to another’s plans.
And I want to milk these years for all their worth.
I was thinking, in slight desperation, that maybe I need to take up a hobby, start studying again, something to do when I’m not schoolingcookingcleaning …
And I considered this a long while, and I thought, well, not right now. I want right now to just pray during my free time. And to get close to God during these years that might be preparation for some other ministry after the kids are grown. Or maybe it’s prep for eternity, you think??
To enter into the divine school this life is for me right now. To submit, as a child, to the child-rearing God has going on with me.
“Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. (Mat 18:4 NAS)
Greatness, ha. But I can set my heart to learn something, to value this time for what it’s worth, rather than trying to relieve myself from it.
There’s more rumbling around in there … John 14 and all… but …. it’s late to be stringing thoughts together.