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Archive for the ‘mommyness’ Category

mothering groove

I’ve started enjoying mothering so much … that I want more kids …

It’s really becoming a pleasure. It’s hard still, but I have self-control that I didn’t have earlier, thanks to the Holy Spirit.

Like, Vitaliy left Friday on a whirlwind 2-day trip, then left Sunday night for a month-long trip. I had guests, then was alone with the kids. ….

And I’m not falling apart! I’m actually liking it.

Andre, you know, is three. Not just three. But three-and-a-half. And if you’ve read Ames & Ilg’s child development books, you know that  3 and a 1/2 is a challenging period of development. And we have challenges, Andre and I. Like Monday and Tuesday (baby shower in the evening and a bit of no-daddy craziness). But we made it through pretty well…. I made it through. And I’m even flourishing.

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I’m not all I want yet–like a can’t get into all the reading aloud I imagine doing– but … it’s SO … FULFILLING! FUN??!!! INTERESTING! CHALLENGING.

Cool. Thank You.

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Personality types.

So, you know, I have a personality type where it’s hard for me to talk about things that are controversial. I don’t want to be noticed; I don’t want to argue with anyone; I want everyone to be happy and peaceful.

But there are also issues that burn inside me. Topics and questions that are very important to me. That are important to God, too, but He doesn’t give everyone the same interests– so if you don’t care about this to the degree I do, that’s OK with me; there are most likely issues you really care about and I don’t. To various people He gives various issues to care about because we are finite.

So, I have to reconcile two things about myself– my desire to be only nicely noticed and not be involved in controversy while at the same time, speaking out the things that God makes burning issues in my heart.

I am learning to speak (instead of remaining silent) in a calm, peaceful, non-argumentative but assertive way about issues that I care about deeply. They are hard for me to talk about because people are already so assertive, and loudly so, and argumentative about these topics. And the church of God needs to be very careful about what issues we argue about and how we “argue.”

I want to say also, this issue does not define my life, and I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who do not agree with my position.

First, to define my subject: breastfeeding (or infant feeding) and babies crying and reflecting the nature of God as mothers.

Second, I want to define my audience.  Ideally, I’m talking to women who are struggling with their consciences in this issue. As mothers, we should want with our whole beings to feed and comfort the cries of our babies. God made us this way. So, ideally, I’m talking to moms who are in the balance on these issues.

Third, here’s my (very simple) message:

  1. Feed your baby.
  2. Answer your baby when he cries.

Some of you may be amazed that we need a theological argument for doing these very simple, innate (natural, instinctive, unlearned, inborn) practices.

I myself am amazed by this.

But, if this is the need of the age, then … I will accept that.

I will also shoot from the hip and name names. I think it’s mainly today Ezzo’s book (“Babywise”) that promotes scheduled feeding as “God’s way” of feeding babies  and ignoring your baby’s cries as essential for good parenting. This book is very popular among Christian parents.

I think its seemingly “godly” strictness, its flashy promises of a lengthy list of benefits, and the name advertising it boldly as “God’s way” make this a formidable issue for a remarkable number of Christian women …

I want to pause here. You see that paragraph above? That is why I am writing. I am writing boldly and assertively, though it is not my nature to do so, because others (ie., Ezzo) are making bold, assertive statements. I will answer with a corresponding boldness and assertiveness, though I have no desire to argue.

So, back to my message.

I. Feed your baby. Feed your baby. Feed your baby. Babies feed for many wonderful reasons. They are hungry, they are thirsty, something hurts, they want to be close to mommy, the sucking action itself is comforting. … God made babies to feed– it’s designed to be both physical and emotional. Babies need this–physically and emotionally. He didn’t turn your breasts off and on every three hours, which He could’ve very easily done. He made most women capable of feeding their babies very frequently.

I know Ezzo has mocked (in his book) those who cue feed and portrayed it as something horrible. But I want to tell you– he’s lying to you there. I have 4 children, ages 9 to 10 months. I have exclusively breastfed each one for the first ten months of life. I never ever looked at a clock about this issue. I have flown back and forth over the Atlantic numerous times with happy, complimented, non-sleep-medicated babies and children. I have traveled around the States, we love camping, I have lived, lived, lived a joyful mostly-in-motion life– all breastfeeding almost nonstop for about 10-11 years now.

I have slept. SleptSleptSlept. My babies have all slept very well at night right next to me. They’ve all slept for long stretches. The current baby sleeps all night and wakes up with me in the early morning to refeed and fall back asleep and I get up. I don’t recall that I have ever put my feet on the floor to stand up during a night. Ever.

My point is not that parenting is easy. My point is that Ezzo (or whoever) is lying to you when he says that schedule feeding is easy, or at least easier than cue feeding. It’s not.

I would also be so bold as to say that my choices have probably made my life easier and my children easier to handle. I’ve not had any breastfeeding issues. I’m not promising that you won’t if you do what I do. But what I mean is that scheduling and other such rules can make breastfeeding and sleeping actually harder.

As for E’s ideas about God’s orderliness and it’s supposed application to breastfeeding … stand back from the Word of God and look at It’s entirety in your mind…. Pan through the whole of Scripture…. Now lay over the ideas of strict scheduling. …

You know, it’s really not there. Really. It’s. Not. There.

In fact, I could give you a lot of “Bible verse” reasons for cue feeding:

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! Is.49:15

Instead, we were like young children among you. Just as a nursing mother cares for her children. I Thess 2:7

Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?” Luke 11:11-13

I could wax on and on, loading up reasons why God wants us to generously cue-feed our babies and respond to their cries, using these verses (and several others). But I won’t. I don’t think I should twist into Scripture what is not really meant there. Ezzo, however, has no such compunctions, and that is my point.

My message is, dear mother, you can feed your baby freely and generously with a non-accusative conscience. God designed you to do that, and to want to do that. You can comfort your baby at your breast. I will tell you from experience, it is sweet to do that. It is handy! And it’s a great way to affirm that special bond that God created to be between you and your child. Don’t let someone steal your joy by creating rules that have “an appearance of godliness, but deny the power thereof.”

I want to talk for a moment about “independence.” Several baby masters use this term in a desirable fashion, to mean things like your baby should fall asleep independently, your baby should play independently, your baby should emotionally soothe himself independent of you.

I am trying to speak carefully here, but I want to say, in very strong terms, that that kind of thinking is dangerous. And here is why:

God specifically designed human babies, babies made in His image with parents made in His image, to have long, vulnerable childhoods, to be extremely (compared to other mammals not made in God’s image) underdeveloped when born and to have complex needs (compared to a baby animal’s needs).

The neediness of infancy, childhood, and adolescence is all designed. God designed our babies to need us to soothe them, to need us to help feel safe, to need us and our responsiveness in order to develop emotionally. Babies are not capable of emotionally soothing themselves. For example, they are not learning to “soothe themselves” when they cry themselves to sleep.

Especially small babies. Don’t haste to harden your heart toward that neediness, toward that baby. If we accept it, and give ourselves to serve our babies, then as they gradually grow into independence, we can give that over to them, too, with wisdom and while having a strong emotional bond formed with them.

I will speak personally for a moment. I have been very thankful for the bonding “dependency” disciplines of mothering–gestating, birthing, breastfeeding, wearing my babies in slings close to me, sleeping next to them, and answering their cries. Giving myself over to serve them as God created and only I can do.

Because I particularly struggle with feeling emotional bonds with my kids. And I struggle with keeping them connected when I lose that contact of breastfeeding and wearing and all. I am still learning how to sustain emotional bonds (dependence, if you will) with my kids as they grow older.

2. I want to shift into including my second message: Answer your baby when(ever) he cries.

Hmmmm. I have raised these kids with responding to all their cries and breastfeeding generously, and accepting their neediness and serving them in it … And they are growing up quite “independent,” ready to go off to camp without me, walk to the store without me, fall asleep without me …. I even dare to say that consistently responding to them has helped them grow in feeling confident and secure.

And at the same time, I still keep us close, working to keep our emotional connection strong and healthy.

I haven’t been run ragged, I’m not yanked here and there by the whims of my children. I have grown in dignity and confidence and love as a mother. These disciplines, plus developing a fuller understanding of God’s nature expressed through motherhood, have grown me into loving the job of mothering. It becomes easier and more enjoyable.

So if someone is claiming otherwise– that responding to their needs will ruin your children, and ruin you, it’s a lie.

Vitaliy was recently at workshop for rehab center leaders. Two American men came to Ukraine– they lead biblical healing groups for people enslaved to various forms of sinful s’xual behavior. They talked about childhood, what should make up a normal, healthy childhood. Their words are very insightful:

  • Children need to be children (play, develop, etc).
  • Children need to imitate their parents.
  • Children are basically emotional humans– they do not understand logical reasoning.
  • Children need to know that their parents will fight for them, protect them.
  • Children need to have strong emotional connections with each parent.
  • The main work of parents is to meet their children’s emotional and physical needs unconditionally (only God can meet their spiritual needs).

Selah.

Selah again.

As I have grown in my ability to be patient with children who are being children, I have become a more loving person. As I have invested years into meeting my children’s physical and emotional needs, I have become a more loving person.

God has designed the neediness of childhood. He designed it with parents in mind–to make us more able to express His image.

Feed your child–God made him to need you. Answer his crying–God designed him to need you. It is a blessing for you that he needs you so deeply, that he so strongly wants to be connected to you. This neediness will be your friend for years as you continue to guide your child into relationship with the One upon whom we are all fully needy and continually dependent.

Also, I’d like to share that I have practiced cue-feeding and responding to my babies’ cries, and I love it. I really love it. My husband loves it, too. The older I get and the more perspective I get, the more I love it and the more thankful I am for it. We both are.

We have a close, intimate, wonderful marriage. Cue feeding and answering our babies’ cries (and co-sleeping, etc) have only helped us grow in loving each other and each member of our family. If someone tells you that this is not possible and these things will wreck your marriage, I’m here to tell you that it is possible, and that lack of love and selfishness are what wreck marriages, not meeting children’s needs.

I want to end here by re-stating that I don’t talk about this a lot openly for several good reasons. 1) It’s important, but it’s not that worth arguing about. 2) It doesn’t define my life or the whole of parenting. 3) I have quite a few friends who would disagree with me, and that is OK. I thank them for this quiet space to express who I am and how God has blessed me.

I will end with the prayer our pastor often parts with:

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

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Can you believe I keep angsting about this? Today’s angst time was so short, and the answers so good … I’m just going to enjoy this experience because God apparently has a purpose for allowing it all.

So it all whelmed up inside me again for a few moments, and I had the opportunity to read Philippians, as I’ve been reading the Pauline epistles right now. And it was just what the doctor ordered.

First, Paul talks about how he wrestles between his desire to die and be with Christ versus staying on earth for the good of others, and he says, “Yet if I live, that means fruitful service for Christ.”

And he wrote this from prison. And I thought, if he can have “fruitful service” for Christ while confined to prison, surely I can have fruitful service from my house, my church, my community, online, etc. And I mean by fruitful service that the Holy Spirit can bear fruit in me, that I can do the will of God for my life, etc.

Second, Paul writes about Christ, who humbled himself to become a servant. He “took the humble position of a slave” (NLT). And it struck me that, sheesh, if anyone lives a life not for himself, it is a slave. And that’s what Christ did—He lived the biggest “living life as not my own yet fully engaged” life possible.  He lived every single day for other people (not just serving us, but also earning our righteousness/Law-fulfillment) and died a death for other people. He did none of it for Himself.

And God exalted Him for that.

So what does this tell me about the value of living a life as not your own?

And I thought how Christ changed his very being–He became a man. And I thought of how I feel like this time is requiring me to change things about the very nature of own existence and transforming the very core of who I am. … And Christ did that. And following His example and by the power of His Spirit, so can I.

Third, Paul worked and focused his energies. Not on a project or a ministry. But what? 1) “I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be.” And 2) “I am focusing all my energies on this one thing:…to reach the end of the race and receive the prize.” He wasn’t all caught up in thousands of souls for Christ nor church after church planted. Nor mega churches, nor mega ministries. Though he was part of those things. But he expended energy on his own sanctification and pressed on to stand before Christ and receive reward, as himself alone.

Hmmm.

Fourth and finally, here’s what I’m going to do now about these angsty worries about my purpose in life:

  • Don’t worry
  • Pray about everything
  • Tell God what you need (a sense of purpose)
  • Thank Him for all He has done

And what will happen as I do those things: His peace, which we cannot humanly understand, will guard– that’s G.U.A.R.D– my mind. My questioning, worrying, angry, despairing, confused, depression-tilted mind when I think about this question of my purpose–God will send His peace to guard my mind from all that.

Paul learned to be content in every state he was in (Phil. 4:11-13). He can do everything with Christ’s help. … I also can learn contentment; I can do everything that is God’s will for me to be and do with Christ’s help.

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So I just want to remember this enjoyable moment with my kids.

We’re staying at a 2-week camp where I’m teaching English. There are 3 beds in our room– 2 singles and a double. The girls in the singles and Andre and I in the double.

So tonight, after washing feet clean, brushing teeth, etc., Skyla was talking about how she and Vika will change beds next week–to be fair, who got to sleep next to Mom’s bed. And she mentioned maybe moving some beds around.

And I said we could push all the beds together to have one big bed.

This immediately was the Good Idea of the Year, and after some simple pushing, we now have a gigantic bed. Andre went berserk–he loves to jump, throw himself around on the bed in various ways, and he’s even gotten very professional about his somersaulting.

The girls were also jumping around, Skyla told us *scary* stories about a dragon with no underwear and other 8-yr-old hilarity, and making lighting with the lamps, being a ghost with the blanket … wow, was it crazy and fun.

And there I was, laying on my side, enjoying all their fun. Glad I don’t have to jump around myself for it to be complete. But it was quite the fun few minutes before bedtime reading.

I will record that we’re reading about George Muller before bed right now, so I can remember that, too some day.

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I was identifying with Jesus last night as I was lying in bed reading the Gospel of Matthew. … Jesus was so followed around … so pursued … and for various reasons … with various motives … with varied results. But it was almost constant, endless, this being followed around with purposeful interaction required.

Being a mom is kind of like that. Though I think Jesus had even more demands on Him than even a mom does.

But it was a good reminder, to understand that there is a reason why I’m being followed around by little people–it’s important for them to follow me around! It’s important for them to want to be in my presence.

And they will have varied motives and reasons and good and bad and normal desires.

It’s important to stay focused on doing God’s will, on speaking the real answers despite the sometimes confused questions and demands.

From chapters 14-15 of Matthew:

Now when Jesus heard about John, He withdrew from there in a boat to a secluded place by Himself; and when the people heard of this, they followed Him on foot from the cities. When He went ashore, He saw a large crowd, and felt compassion for them and healed their sick….

And when the men of that place recognized Him, they sent word into all that surrounding district and brought to Him all who were sick; and they implored Him that they might just touch the fringe of His cloak; and as many as touched it were cured….

Then some Pharisees and scribes came to Jesus from Jerusalem…

After Jesus called the crowd to Him, He said to them…

Jesus went away from there, and withdrew into the district of Tyre and Sidon. And a Canaanite woman from that region came out and began to cry out, saying, “Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David…

 Departing from there, Jesus went along by the Sea of Galilee, and having gone up on the mountain, He was sitting there. And large crowds came to Him, bringing with them those who were lame, crippled, blind, mute, and many others, and they laid them down at His feet; and He healed them….

And Jesus called His disciples to Him, and said, “I feel compassion for the people, because they have remained with Me now three days and have nothing to eat…

And sending away the crowds, Jesus got into the boat and came to the region of Magadan. The Pharisees and Sadducees approached …

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Vitaliy’s been gone for a few days, so I’ve been upping my parenting exertion. I’ve also been doing some nice things with the girls by starting a bedtime routine again–I give them a little massage with olive oils and an essential oil added in, then we read a book together. I’d stopped doing nighttime stuff with them all together, but lately I started missing that special time, so it’s nice to be adding it back in.

I’ve just been thinking about how the longer I parent the more I enjoy it.

I will back up to say parenting is probably the most temptation-filled role that exists, so the sinning part can seem miserable, and I have issues in myself toward my kids that God is constantly, patiently working to transform me. Lately it’s been my tone of voice and words towards the girls. Other times it’s been anger. Other times it’s been the temptations to be overly strict and then lazy in training.

But I’ve just been thinking how, the more I am immersed in and submit myself to the responsibilities of parenting, the more I embrace the bigness of this work, the more I enjoy it. And it’s nice b/c for years it was a huge struggle and I didn’t enjoy it. There were things I liked, but as a whole, it was so hard to do, I didn’t enjoy it.

So anyway, I am enjoying even the imperfectness of myself– because imperfections are the opportunities to grow and change, which means being alive 🙂

I also am melancholic in temperament, so this colors how I view and evaluate myself as a parent. And it’s good to recognize that and temper it with more lightheartedness.

Anyway: ❤

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formative friends

Parenting is formative and transformative. In my own journey, I providentially “stumbled” across a lady who became a friend and who introduced me to what is termed gentle discipline. It basically means something like approaching childrearing in a helpful, understanding (albeit firm, etc) way, rather than punitive (punishment-oriented) way.

I will be honest: this was a huge paradigm shift for me to make and took years to make. I think punishment or threatening was pretty much my only approach up til then, and it never occurred to me, nor was told to me, that there was a different way.

I happened to express to this lady how I was unhappy with the negativity in my relationship to my child. And she sent me a huge box of books (all the way to Ukraine, no less) and introduced me to a forum of “gracious” parenting style women.

Needless to say, this has been huge in my life. (Along with all the huge things God showed me about His grace in sanctification, too, at that same period in my life. I mean, wow, I can now read the minor prophets in the Old Testament and see the long-suffering, gracious patience of God and His constant desire to reconcile.)

About gentle discipline, I want to say that I don’t think it’s salvific, I don’t believe it’s the way we’ll usher in peace on earth, etc. But for me, it’s been the clearest way I can grow in seeing people (my kids) and treating them as God sees and treats us. It’s been an aid in disciplining myself in patience, gentleness, humility, and love, for starters.

Anyway, all that to say, I had a lovely afternoon with some ladies from that mommy forum 😀

RachelEmMe

And here is a picture of me and that original friend the Lord used to start me in this path:

MeNa

Very, very thankful  ❤

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