After almost 2 years, I finally understood that I had unresolved trauma issues from the first birth I saw in a birth hospital here.
I actually dislike that sentence because it is the language of victimization. Perhaps I could just say: My sinful reactions after witnessing a traumatic birth scene were still plaguing me even after two years.
Ever since that birth, a friend calls me and tells me about her birth experience in a birth hospital, and I start this cycle of crying, insomnia, and fixation. It takes me a few days, about a week, to get over this, and during this time I am very mentally occupied with birth hopsital birth and my anger toward the personnel who work there.
So, with this last friend’s birth, I finally saw the pattern. So I started thinking and praying. And one morning, while reading my Bible, God simply brought to my head these truths that humbled and healed me:
What took place is just a natural result of sin in a sinful world; I am not a victim, and I have new nature—I am in Christ. Christ bore all our sins, griefs and sorrows. By His stripes, I am healed.
My anger and pride go together, and my pride, for example in this context, will lead me to no good end.
Except for Christ, I am no different than they [birth personnel] are— no good-er, no better, no different.
My battle is not against them, my battle is with Christ for their souls, I battle for them, on the side of their salvation. Pray for them!
What is my motivation? To save women from them? It doesn’t work. They will always have women. But some will choose not to birth there, and I can help them. As for saving women from bad births—only God saves, not me.
But what is or should be my greater motivation? In the rubric of glorifying God, giving women life-affirming options is one way I do that. But what else is there? What else is my means of glorifying God? Witnessing to doctors. I can only change their practices when God changes them with love. Criticism and shame never changed anyone. So if I criticize and am angry, I cannot be an agent of their change. Their whole being must change.
The false gods of birth will not save them in the day of trouble. Will they be open to listen to the truth from me in the day of trouble?
After writing that, confessing my sins of anger and unforgiveness, I feel such a weight released, the anger motivations of my midwifery studies are not there, and Lord willing, His better motives of love and righteousness will fill their place.
Jehovah Rapha–the LORD who heals.
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