One of my maxims: “Just enjoy it.”

A few years ago, Vitaliy and I had just lain down together on our mattress, and I was feeling the uncomfortable jab of crumbs underneath my body from the kids eating in our bed. Our mattress is kind of the watch a movie/play/color/be near mommy place. I grumbled a bit and was trying to wipe them away.

And Vitaliy said, “Just enjoy it.”

I’ve never forgotten those simple words. Meant to be funny. And it was a bit of humor injected at just the right moment.

I’ve been thinking of that sentence a lot lately, with being in the little kids season of life. It helps to realize that it is just a season, that soon it will pass, and the markers on the kitchen floor, the plastic dishes all wonky on their shelves, the little scraps of paper from my sissors-loving girls, the requests for sewing time, the messy book shelves, the jelly and food gummed to the table, the water on the bathroom floor, the coats and hats on the floor in front of the closet and not hung up, the . . . . ad infinitum . . .

will

soon

be

gone.

And Vitaliy and I will be lonely sometimes, missing our kids, wondering where the years went.

I think about it a lot right now.

And I want to “just enjoy it.”

Not try to be perfect and keep it all perpetually clean.

I’ll just enjoy it.

Those pesky crumbs. . . .

my pregnancy meditation

Two things came together for me a few weeks back. I read in a midwifery textbook that the most important preparation a woman can do for birth is her emotional/psychological prep. That just stuck with me (because I tend to be so geared toward mechanical/technical/academic knowledge). And then one night I was dinking around with some online Bible studies, and I came across Psalm 91. And I thought, why don’t I use this psalm as my birth prep? So I started meditating/writing.

I want to share some thoughts from verse 1.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

My meditation:

These two lines seem to say the same thing: dwell in His shelter = abide in His shadow. And whose? The Most High, the Almighty.

Before, I always think about me in regard to these verses and ponder how to dwell, how to abide. But this time, I was drawn to the names of God used here.

And I was impressed that, from this verse, I see that these names/qualities of God are my comfort, they are what I run to and hide myself in.

The Most High–This is the One who is over all, all the universe, all bodily processes, all people, all authorities–all of life. He gives life, and really, He never “takes it away,” He just moves it from one place to another, from earth to Home, or from earth to eternal punishment.

So I needn’t fear death. God gives life and death is His moving a person–His own creation–to live in another realm.

Lord, all the lives dear to me–You are over them all and I trust You with them all.

Every movement of my body during birth, every movement of our baby, of his/her heartbeat, You are over it all. Every thought You want to prepare for us, for Vitaliy, You are over all, the Most High.

Almighty–God has all power to do as He pleases. And I am comforted by dwelling/abiding in Your shelter. I do not need to fear Your power over me. Your power and You are my comfort, my peace, my refuge and trust.

I am so happy I can commit this birth to You. And not only the birth! But every single thing in my life. You are over all, the Most High, and You have, of course, all power! And these two truths are my source of comfort, safety, and joy. Thank you. No matter what comes, in childbirth, in all of my life–my death, our child being deformed, Vitaliy’s death, my children’s death–these truths of your Being are my refuge. You rule all, with all power.

 

 

 

I am still alive.

That was supposed to be funny

I am alive and very busy, contemplating and learning a lot, but having to very, very pare down on my “extra-familial” activities. But I think I’ll post an update, kind of an overview of what’s been going on. I haven’t even been posting many statuses (stati?) on FaceBook these days, if you can believe that!

I am doing a lot of midwifery studies. Currently, I’m working through Section 4A; I am reading Anne Frye’s Holistic Midwifery volume 1 (all 1151 pages of it!) and answering 175 questions. As of right now, I’m on page 1017 and question #172. Closing in on this section! Then I just need to typetypetype everything for submission by April 9, Lord willing.

Skyla is 6 this year, so we’ve started some home schooling. Vitaliy’s taught them to read Russian (much more letter-sound consistent than English), and they are reading fairly well. He printed out a little bit of a children’s Bible for them (in Russian) and they read the same page 5 times each day. It’s written in poetic form, so Vika has even said a page as a poem in church once so far.

Then I started math with them, too. We’re using Horizon math workbooks. The hilarious thing is that Vika (who is 4-almost-5) just luvs doing “school” and she is on lesson 37  or something. While Skyla, who doesn’t lurv school so much is on lesson 17, I think. . . . . Still scratching head about that one.

Skyla is also in AWANA this year, and really enjoys that. She memorizes her verses (in Russian) and does her pages. Vika ends up memorizing the verses b/c she hears them so repeatedly.

Moving into a spiritual perspective on some things, I want to say that I feel like we are in the “tree planted by rivers of water, bearing fruit in season, leaf not withering” season of life. Good and stressful-good things are being required of us.

The rehab center in our village house is going well. About 4 guys have been there for several months now. Others come and go. Two more just came. Vitaliy says one has fleas. One guy (who was asked to leave b/c he didn’t want to change) almost died at one point and was in the hospital. Overall, the men are growing a lot spiritually. It’s hard, of course, to live together and get along. But when one of them complains to Vitaliy about another, he just says, well, I put up with all of you, so do you think you can put up with this one for a while? . . . I’m sure he says more, too, but that is one general point he makes.

And he stays out there, usually Sunday afternoon through Wed evening. Some weeks it’s different. So, here I am with the children, and God’s been helping me learn to single parent … and not call Vitaliy in those moments when I’m going out of my brain and want to strangle everyone . . .  It’s better to call when I am feeling calm, you know?

With all the snow now, driving is much more difficult, well, just starting the van and cleaning it off is a big job. So I go out of the house a lot less these days.

I’m into my 31st week of pregnancy, too, and big as a boat, elephant, train, etc. I told Vitaliy he could call me his yacht. It sounds better than boat.

Probably the most challenging and wonderful thing that’s happened to us lately is that we took in (temporarily?) our 3yo nephew. He lived in an all-alcoholic-caregivers family, and the police removed him and he’s in our care. His mom agreed to go to a rehab center since she doens’t want to lose her parental rights.

Kostya is a cutie. He’s 3, has cerebral palsy so in many ways he’s on a 1yo-2yo level, makes noises, but not a lot of words, walks on his toe steps so he doesn’t walk yet, mostly crawls. He had bronchitis and a terrible diaper rash when he came, but those are gone now, and he’s gained weight, eats a lot more and a lot more variety now.

I am just thankful to God for this little guy. Skyla and Vika are doing so well at helping him, getting along with him, and he learns a lot from them and is much  more active because they are here! I’m really proud of them. I’ve enjoyed having a third little one in that I feel more experienced now at mothering and childrearing. He requires pretty constant keeping-an-eye-on, though, and so I’m very thankful for Skyla and Vika in that regard.

He may go to live with his mom at the rehab center in April before our baby is born, but we’ll see how it’s going.

Oh, we were told that we need to move in the next month or so, as the landlords need the use of this apt back. So we’re searching, feeling money pressure, packing stuff.

Whew.

I’m reading through the Psalms now, and I was touched by this verse for this time in my life:

For by their own sword they did not possess the land,

And their own arm did not save them,

But Your right hand and Your arm and the light of Your presence,

For You favored them. Psalm 44:3

Midwifery past / midwifery future

I enrolled in AAMI Advanced Midwifery Studies in late Sept 2010. While I’m at it, I want to say that I am more than pleased with this course. I am just thrilled. It inspires me more and more with how much I have to learn and how much I am learning. I also appreciate their FaceBook pages where students and midwives have discussions about various questions that come up. Their conference phone calls are also unbelievable–Gail Hart, Gloria Lemay, Joy Jones, Kristi Zittle, etc. So many fabulous ways to learn!

Midwifery Past: 2011 

Before stating my midwifery study goals for 2012, I’d like to review what I’ve accomplished in 2011.

• Submitted Phase 3 (Phases 1-3 are introductory phases before starting the actual curriculum; they require a lot of work)

Once Phase 3 work was accepted, I started with Phase 4, the main curriculum. It has 6 sections. I made a submission each quarter of the year.

• First submission: all of section 1 (mostly terminology definitions, workbook, roots/prefixes/suffixes, etc.) I also submitted 2 Section Two assignments (watching videos, listening to past conference lectures).

 

This submission made the Honor Roll! I’m amazed.

• Second submission: Section 2–4 assignments: an article abstract, a textbook overview, assignments from Goer’s Obstetric Myths vs. Research Realites, 2 book reviews, and a book critique.

• Then, this final quarter, I submitted Section 3A–two assignments from a list of choices; my childbirth educator/doula training and the Placenta Intensive Study Module. (I was hoping to submit 3B also, but the Placenta ISM was a doozy!!!!)

Other things I accomplished in 2011: set up my Section 5 files (50+ midwifery topics), started collecting AEU points (haven’t turned them in yet), listened to several conference calls, attended 4 births as a doula, and attended informal breastfeeding classes with a brilliant IBCLC counselor.

Midwifery future: 2012

Today I sat down and mapped submission goals for each quarter of this year. Not sure I will meet them all and they may be revamped, but here’s the plan for now:

• Quarter 1: submit assignment 4A (read Holistic Midwifery 1, questions/answers, notes) and 20 assignments from Section 6. (So far, I’m almost on page 500 of Hol Mid 1 and almost at 100 of 175 questions. And I’m hoping to go through Section 6 and see what I can work on. And several Section 6 assignments are done.)
• Quarter 2: submit 3B.2 (Midwifery Skills book and assignments) and 20 assignments from Section 6.
• Quarter 3: submit 4B and second annual report
• Quarter 4: submit 5 Section 5 files.

I’m also evaluating how I sense myself evolving as a student, and I feel like I’m still in the absorbtion stage rather than in the output/teaching stage. I’m also still learning what resources I have for learning. Once I hit Sections 5 and 6, then I want to move into more of the educating-others mode. Right now, I’m amazed at how much I have to learn!

So that’s my midwifery studies past and future!

Thanksgiving Day

Last year I started the tradition of making a Thanksgiving dinner and inviting couples I’ve been a doula for at their births. That was my first year to make a turkey! We decorate for Christmas, too, and it makes for a lovely evening.

This year, I did it on Saturday because Thurs is a regular workday here. Besides turkey, which Vitaliy helps with a lot, I made real cranberry sauce! I never knew anything could be so delicious!!! And I was pleased with the gravy, too. I also did green beans with ham bits, which was new for me, too.

It was a culinary success :) My Ukrainian friends brought salads that were delicious, and the one other American involved brought deviled eggs and pumpkin pie. I also did pumpkin and apple pies. Vitaliy said it was the perfect combination of foods. I agree! We’re still feasting on the leftovers, too.

This year's crew

the hemorrhagic woman, my hope

This past weekend, our chuch hosted a ladies’ conference. Our pastor’s wife does these yearly. We went through Denise Glenn’s “Freedom for Mothers.” She asked me to speak about the principle of the cross and dying to our flesh–the previous chapter dealt with several major sins that mothers (women) can struggle with like being controlling, passive, infantile, egotistical, etc.

As I prayed about what to say, I was reading through the gospels, particularly Mark, and I read the story of the hemorrhagic woman in chapter 5. Her story grabbed my heart, and God impressed on me that this is what I needed to talk about.

Mark 5:25-34  And a woman who had had a hemorrhage for twelve years,  and had endured much at the hands of many physicians, and had spent all that she had and was not helped at all, but rather had grown worse,  after hearing about Jesus, came up in the crowd behind Him, and touched His cloak.  For she thought, “If I just touch His garments, I shall get well.”  And immediately the flow of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her affliction.  And immediately Jesus, perceiving in Himself that the power proceeding from Him had gone forth, turned around in the crowd and said, “Who touched My garments?”  And His disciples said to Him, “You see the multitude pressing in on You, and You say, ‘Who touched Me?’”  And He looked around to see the woman who had done this.  But the woman fearing and trembling, aware of what had happened to her, came and fell down before Him, and told Him the whole truth.  And He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your affliction.”

As I pondered, I remembered there were passages in the Law with instructions for these cases. So after reading this story, I asked the ladies if we could imagine what her life was like for a minute:

Leviticus 15:25-27  Now if a woman has a discharge of her blood many days, not at the period of her menstrual impurity, or if she has a discharge beyond that period, all the days of her impure discharge she shall continue as though in her menstrual impurity; she is unclean.  ’Any bed on which she lies all the days of her discharge shall be to her like her bed at menstruation; and every thing on which she sits shall be unclean, like her uncleanness at that time.  ’Likewise, whoever touches them shall be unclean and shall wash his clothes and bathe in water and be unclean until evening.

And

Leviticus 20:18  ‘If there is a man who lies with a menstruous woman and uncovers her nakedness, he has laid bare her flow, and she has exposed the flow of her blood; thus both of them shall be cut off from among their people.

We thought for a minute–if this woman were here at our conference under these laws, where would she sit? She would have to have her own place, marked “unclean” so others wouldn’t sit there. Who would want even to hug or touch her? How did she visit her friends? Did she carry her own “unclean” stool with her? Had she been married then her husband divorced her because they couldn’t sleep together? Had she never married? What an affliction to have !

Then I went on to talk about how this woman is like us and is our example in several ways:

1. Her problem came from within her, and our sin problems come from within us. We are tempted to blame others or our past for our struggles with sin, but that is a hopeless line of thinking. If I can be truthful, that my sin struggles flow from inside me, from my heart, then there is hope because God can transform me.

2. 12 years is a long time. It’s easy for us to think that we’ve had sin habits for so long that it is hopeless to change. But it is simply untrue. There is hope from God that we can be transformed. Sometimes I am tempted to think that my sins are stronger than God, but that is a lie. God has all power to make me perfect in this life, yet He has chosen not to deal with us in that way. There are things we have to learn by living in faith, even in our daily struggles with our sins.

Philippians 1:6   For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

3. This woman went to many doctors, spent all she had, and was left in worse condition. When we deal with our sin problems, there is only one true answer, the cross and death upon it. By faith, my old man died on the cross in Christ, and I have to come back to this truth continually. My flesh is here with me still, but I cannot help myself escape from my sins. Other “cures” are no cures at all.

Isaiah 53:5  But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed.

4. She wanted healing but no attention. . . . Can you imagine her, with her heart pounding, weaving through the crowd, trying to get close enough just to reach out and touch Jesus’ cloak fringe? In all other miracles that I can think of, the people came up front and asked specifically for what they needed. No one tried to get healing secretly. . . . When I consider myself, I must be honest that I sometimes wonder that God would be interested in me, for surely He has all the injustice in the world to consider, the billions of people He cares for, etc. Who am I with my little sin problems? . . . But Jesus constantly showed us, and shows us in this story, that the individual is very important to Him. Another proof we have of this is that He gives His Spirit to each believer. He could have only given It to some of us, or only given It on certain occasions. But no, this very personal God gave His Spirit equally to each one who believes in Him. He swallows us up in Himself–the Spirit in us, we in Christ, Christ in God. We are surrounded by His being.

5. She had faith that Jesus could heal her. Did she immediately have faith when she first heard of His miracles? Was she skeptical at first? We don’t know. But we do know that she had right faith and that faith is a gift from God. So, let’s be honest with God. Maybe I don’t have faith that He can change me from a sin habit, and the first step is just to tell Him that and ask Him to give me right faith in Him concerning my sins and His ability to transform. He will do it in His time. God once very clearly showed me that He will not share the glory of my sanctification with me. He sanctifies; He will get 100% of the glory that is due for my sanctification here on earth.

The more I live, the more I learn to sit at His feet and look into the beauty of Jesus, His sorrow and suffering that He bore with such love to us, His resurrection display of God’s absolute power, and the like. The more I see and am allowed to understand, the more I long for His love to be in every cell of my being. . . . I am still early on the road of transformation, but I am there, and God will lead me Home.

Thank You, God, for sharing this woman’s life with us and encouraging us with Your truths seen here.

my Six year old

It was getting a little confusing lately with my lovely, newly 6yo. There were times of defiance that really left me wondering if my parenting was benficial or not, did I need to become stricter and more authoritative? . . . .

So I finally pull off my shelf the thin book about 6 year olds that my friend Tulipgirl sent me years ago. Even the title comforted me: Your Six-Year-Old: Loving and Defiant. And the first few pages delve right in to the turmoil a 6yo experiences as s/he is trying to love mommy but separate from her at yet another level of development.

Six is beginning to separate from his mother. In fact, it is this quite natural move toward more independence and less of the closeness experienced at Five that makes him so aggressive toward her at times. . . . It is fair to say that Six is typically embroiled with his mother. He depends on her so much, and yet part of him wishes he didn’t. (p.4)

So now I have more understanding for the “nature of the child” for my child at Six. And I can parent in more wisdom and understanding.

I want to add, too, how thankful I am for God’s forgiveness and  my kids’ forgiveness and resilience. I am such an imperfect mother, but God does take up for us and help us.