TG sent me Jane Nelson’s Positive Discipline, and I was recently reading chapter 5 about Natural and Logical Consequences. She’s not a believer, to my knowledge, but some of her insights are very convicting to me as a parent. Consider some of her thoughts:
Have you ever wondered what children are thinking about when they are being punished? Many are thinking about revenge. Punished children often do something to get even very soon. After children experience punishment, they are usually left with a sense of unfairness. . . They focus on anger toward the adult who imposed the punishment. (67)
Anyone who has been involved with children knows they will stop misbehaving when punished, at least for a while. . . However, they [adults] have inevitably lost the discipline war when children are inspired to get even, avoid detection, or conform out of fear. . . . As long as it is important for adults to win, they are trying to make losers out of children. (68)
Parents and teachers don’t like to admit that, often, the main reason they like to use punishment is to demonstrate their power to win over the child or to gain revenge by making the child suffer. . . . Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children perform better, we must first make them feel worse? This power to impose suffering is a common mistake made by many parents and teachers–so much so that they often lose sight of their primary goal of inspiring children to improve their behavior. . . . Parents and teachers also don’t like to admit that punishment can feel good to them because it gives them that sense of power they feel is being taken away from them when children misbehave. (74, 76, bold mine)
To end the discipline war, it is imperative to stay out of power struggles and create an atmosphere where the long-range effects for both children and adults are mutual respect, responsibility, self-discipline, and cooperation in solving problems. (68)
She discusses using natural consequences–a consequence that occurs with no adult interference. This is not for every situation of course, but letting kids live with the results of their own choices is an excellent means of positive discipline.
Logical consequences–it’s a little tricky to get a handle on at first, but worth it. These consequences require adult intervention, and they are appropriate to use in situations where the child’s behavior is dangerous or bothers others.
State the consequence(s) in a way that gives the child the choice. Also, it’s best to do this in private. Three essential guidelines that separate logical consequences from punishment: LC’s are related, respectful, and reasonable. And it is essential to be simulateously kind and firm when dealing with our children, rather than harsh or permissive.
Another reason logical consequences can be difficult to use is that it takes thought, patience, and self-control. Many adults find it esier to request this of children than to do it themselves. (78)
She points out two other things about natural and logical consequences: initially the situation gets worse as the child tests the limits (essential to remain both kind and firm); punishment gets faster initial results, but NC’s and LC’s are more effective in the long run and more helpful for life.
She discusses other pointers of using natural and logical consequences, gives lots of examples, and interesting insights of how she implemented this with her children, with gracious honesty about her mistakes.
Great read!
I would like to have some time in your library some day.
i wouldn’t mind lending you some books! Postal mail is wonderful. Really, i have them only b/c TulipGirl blessed me with them.
I just remember how much I treasured any English language books I could find in Ukraine. *heart* So glad to share with you.