Sorry, this is a very self-analytical, “I” post.
“I will lift up my eyes unto the hills. From where will my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.”
Something more is dawning a bit into clarity.
I’ve been asking God to please give me a sense of joy and pleasure in home schooling, in mothering. Not a fleeting moment of pleasure here and there, but a fairly constant joy. God Himself seems to be wanting me to pray about this and desire it, so I am seeing what He has here, praying, waiting.
I think I fail terribly in these areas–home school, mothering. And they’re fairly constant, demanding, all-encompassing areas of life. And I am pretty ungracious with myself, my expectations of who I should be, what I ought to be doing. It’s hard to sort through real responsibilities and just-from-somewhere expectations I have. To grow through phases into God’s will in all these small details.
This is cheesy, but if I’m going to keep failing, I would like, at least, to come to some kind of peaceful, gracious, gentle, Christ way of thinking about it. And I mean that in a godly sense. I don’t think I’m really experiencing godly, wholesome disappointment with myself, just endless, vague frustration.
I also think I will actually fail less if I can come to see God more in these areas than I see myself (either good or bad), and find my joy in Him being here.
I was listening to an interview with John Piper on youtube, “On Regrets and Retirement,” and he says something that is giving me insight into this whole thing.
The interviewer asks if he has any regrets, and Piper answers:
“Yes. Endless regrets. I regret everything I’ve ever done … meaning, it could’ve always been done better.
I just quoted Spurgeon upstairs in my hotel room, who said, “A man is not a good man if he does not think he can be better.” That’s true. … I could’ve been a better dad, … a better husband, preached better, done more personal evangelism. …
… I don’t look back with a sense of triumphal success on anything. … Don Carson said this to me, made me feel good: “Every time I preach and come out of the pulpit, I feel like I could’ve done so much better.”
… The statement “no regrets” … if I were to use that, would mean I’m glad I did it … I would not not do it over. … My regrets are all internal, sin issues, or ‘falling short of ideal’ issues. Not that I was where I was or did the sorts of things I did.
So, to say this aloud, I don’t regret being a mom. I don’t regret having children. I don’t regret home schooling them. …. I have regrets over my sins, my falling short. And how thankful I am that the blood of Christ was shed for me, the perfection of Christ lived for me.
… Sigh. I will keep pondering all this.